Friday, September 18, 2009

It's hot and it's cold...

As I mentioned below, half of the planet is molten, half is probably ice. This leads me to believe that this planet was discovered by Katy Perry a year ago and she wrote a song about it.

I believe that there is another planet that we don't yet know about yet... BUT KATY PERRY DOES!

The planet probably has mildly lesbian tendencies, and it likes it.

Let me be the first [doctor] to say right now that we scientists need to keep a close watch on Katy Perry to make sure that she isn't hiding anymore scientific secrets from us! IF SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH THAN WE MUST FIND IT!

Of course this is only a hypothesis... it will be verified with the release of Katy Perry's next single: "My Love Is Like String Theory, Which By The Way Is Not A Theory It Is Fact."

Boy oh boy would we discover a lot if we just listened to Katy Perry more.

Can we please come up with a better name then CoRoT-7b?

I think we can!

Here's a list of much better names for this new planet:
  • Ira Glass Planet
  • Cool Riot in Apartment 7B
  • Pluto II
  • Mother CoRoT-7b
  • Alien!
  • Cronos
  • Poland
  • This Planet Brought To You With Limited Commercial Interruption By Geico
  • Stacy, I'm sorry, come back to me!
  • Cheetah
  • Badger
  • The Redwall Series

All of these names are a better name than CoRoT-7b. END OF STORY!

The FIRST Rocky Planet

You know what this means? That's right... it means that it's an underdog planet that's soon gonna show it's sun, we'll call it Apollo [Creed], that it's not going to go down without a fight.

Ultimately though it will lose because it will be fighting the sun.

That being said, this also means that the planet is somewhat quality, and unlike the Rocky planets 2-5 we discover, will not completely suck. My prediction, though, is that Rocky Planet 4 will be full of Soviets and we will destroy it as a very poor metaphor for Americans dominating the Soviet Union.

Also, I bet scientists are going to get bored later on in their lives and they're going to decide that we need to find another Rocky Planet just because they haven't discovered anything of quality for 25 years... I mean... did you see their discovery of the new element JudgeDreddonium?

The new Rocky Planet will ultimately suck and no one will really care and just shake their head wondering why it was ever discovered.

The point I'm trying to make here is that Rocky was good but the sequels were not:

CNN reports...

Last Wednesday it was discovered, and CNN promptly reported about this badass planet.


But if you don't have the time to educate yourself, no worries. [Dr.] Dru Johnston is here to explain to you the most important parts. Then he's going to dissect this news like it's an owl pellet with mouse bones in it just waiting to be taken apart in order to put together the rad ass mouse inside. That's Science. You dig?

What you need to know:
  • The Planet is called CoRoT-7b
  • It's the first planet we've discovered outside of the solar system that's rocky.
  • The planet moves like a fucking cheetah, except if it was racing a cheetah the cheetah would loose and suffocate in the depths of outerspace. By this I mean the planet moves fast.
  • Atmosphere? I think not!
  • Half the planet is molten, the other half is ice. Katy Perry actually discovered this planet before scientists did and made a hit song about it.
  • There is an entire colony of intelligent life forms who now reside on the planet and they keep humans hostage as slaves so they can learn about their weapons. They call the human camp District 8. Everything they do is filmed like it's in a documentary.
  • One of these facts is false. GUESS WHICH ONE!

Alright, now with the astronomical knowledge I learned from the mother fucking streets [Dr.] Dru Johnston is gonna tell you the truth about this little gem.

Space... prepared to get raped. Raped by knowledge.